A rare weekend out spent with the forevers in my life. No words necessary.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Uplifters
I'm feeling quite calm and serene that I've only got a few pages left to flip on my 2014 planner and then I'll be moving on to my new Kiki.k planner which I've actually already started on. Being very indifferent when people tell me that the year is coming to a close etc., don't feel like time is running out in any way because things will get carried on into the new year in any case. New years seem to have lost it's novelty for me now, maybe I'll get back the excitement when my life gets more exciting/supposedly meaningful and fulfilling.
Found this extract in one of the older drafts I wrote while I was still in 44D, "I feel like I've deconstructed and pieced myself back together. The fierce want for home and familiarity hits with a kind of rawness sometimes still, especially during late nights. But I've got myself some great company that I wouldn't trade anything for. As much of a poker face I always put up, I feel lots. I align my rationales and judgement with my emotions."
I've begun to read poetry again, and I think that's calming me down a lot in knowing that a lot of people (or at least the writer) out there are experiencing similar things as I. It's also a sad thing when I read poetry because I realise that I can never express myself as eloquently as these writers do. They use the abstract in creating a concrete and comprehensible (though not always) piece that sounds, looks and reads so beautifully sometimes it makes me want to cry.
I'm on to Naruto now, while waiting for Suits to release their winter episodes for season 4. I was so skeptical of Naruto at first but Tessa sat me down, made me, and now I can't go back. I have transcended into the realm. So many feels for Kakashi, I can't even-
Found this extract in one of the older drafts I wrote while I was still in 44D, "I feel like I've deconstructed and pieced myself back together. The fierce want for home and familiarity hits with a kind of rawness sometimes still, especially during late nights. But I've got myself some great company that I wouldn't trade anything for. As much of a poker face I always put up, I feel lots. I align my rationales and judgement with my emotions."
I've begun to read poetry again, and I think that's calming me down a lot in knowing that a lot of people (or at least the writer) out there are experiencing similar things as I. It's also a sad thing when I read poetry because I realise that I can never express myself as eloquently as these writers do. They use the abstract in creating a concrete and comprehensible (though not always) piece that sounds, looks and reads so beautifully sometimes it makes me want to cry.
I'm on to Naruto now, while waiting for Suits to release their winter episodes for season 4. I was so skeptical of Naruto at first but Tessa sat me down, made me, and now I can't go back. I have transcended into the realm. So many feels for Kakashi, I can't even-
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Fight the Fright
I don't regret the missed opportunities I gave up back when I was in MI. Looking back at the points of my life I keep harping on i.e my bad years circa 2011~2013, I put those against what I have now and realise that it turns out I had nothing to lose. The things/people I lost back then are incomparably subpar to what I've managed to keep. The people, especially. Crashing myself in the past was a stupid move, and I've taken lots of effort to get myself out of the rut I threw myself in, so I'm going to relish and enjoy whatever that comes to my platter now. I'm sick of being sick. And enough about trying to please. I am for myself to please.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Frocking
I'm back home in Singapore, in my room, wondering what to do next. I've put off this post (as with many others shoved into the folder of drafts that never make it to the site and eventually get deleted) long enough that I didn't save it, and everything I typed was gone. Have slight recollections writing about something I felt dear about, now that I can't retrieve it/can't remember what's it about maybe on second thought it's not so important afterall.
On the day of my return I was served literally, a whole pot of my favourite soup. We had steamboat in the evening. The following day popiah was on the table for lunch. I have eaten almost everything I've been craving in the last 3 months in less than a week since coming back. Today I had chocolate truffles for lunch, only because my December goal is to maximise all my kitchen appliances I've missed dearly. My air-fryer (made kale chips), my food processor, my cold-pressed juicer, my waffle maker. I wish I had a dehydrator and a sprializer in my collection, but for now this will suffice.
Also in the first few days I was constantly drifting in and out of sleep. The flight back was ok, it was my first flight alone, though not really because Anthony was just across the aisle from me. I finished Begin Again and watched 5 episodes of Orange is the New Black before deciding that I didn't like it at all. I tried to start on Gone Girl and I couldn't, so I slept the rest of the way instead. It upsets me that reading and writing doesn't come as easily as it used to anymore.
While we're on the topic of writing; I am becoming bitterly aware that I can't express myself as coherently as I used to. My style of writing has evolved from something I want to deem 'presentable' to an audience to a rapidly flowing stream of consciousness instead. I have become more aloof, detached and impassive. Wit isn't a priority anymore, I really just ramble and ramble and ramble. Am I getting old too soon?
A lot of times in the 3 months I was away I felt like there wasn't anywhere I wanted to be. I kept asking myself about the things I could/would do without feeling like it took a lot of effort or felt like I had to force myself to do and I couldn't answer that either. Towards the end of the term things started to get overwhelming and I blocked everyone out again. I started to get impatient, paranoid and insecure again. Again: this word sounds more painful than those ugly traits. It's so much of a vicious cycle, and each time I only end up feeling horrible/regretting. Except this time round, I didn't have people who were used to my bullish crap to sit there and cushion my whack, I learnt mostly the hard way that no one is really going to sit there and let you take a dump on them.
I am aware I have immensely selfish tendencies. I don't spare anyone of knowing my annoyance, whether it's with said person themself or with something. I don't leave time for tack, I lay the cards out fair and square. Nicely put it's being direct and honest, but really it's being blunt and brutal. The 'me' I was a couple years ago would have thought nothing wrong of this and I would retort that people deserve to know. I would have thought it would be a fair movement for everyone, I let my steam out, the other party knows and can improve. But then as I grew older I realised not everything has to be said. Some things left unsaid are heard louder instead. Not everyone accepts harshness as easily as I do. And being tactful will only bring you further beyond where you would have ever imagined. That draws the line between knowing when to keep things in/to yourself and voicing your opinion. It's an intricate line, and there's a fine balance to keep that yin yang in check. It's still something I'm working on, a lot of times I lose my cool when I'm stressed and I'm stressed almost 90% of the time, only because I like to pressure myself. That has also been something I've been trying to work on.
Tessa says I seem happier in UK. She came over yesterday and we sat on the sofa talking through the afternoon, I missed that a lot. I miss the comfort I find in our friendship because I know it's a mutual thing when we voice opinions and we take each other seriously. I'm not saying that our seriousness is what makes the friendship exclusive and that every other friendship I have is insincere, it's just the kind of trust that developed over the years and that if I tell her I feel in a certain way and asks her what she thinks, even if she confirms that opinion it doesn't feel like she does it because she feels obliged to or she's merely agreeing with me but it actually holds weight and means something. I'm beginning to appreciate the importance of having people around who have known you for ages. Most of the friends I've kept from various points of my life have known me for more than 5 years, it feels nice to be finally growing up individually and together. I'm starting to say this a lot but I am truly grateful for each small group I have. They are all completely independent of each other but in a way that is something I like about my circle of friends, yet the one thing they all have in common is that I can pull any one in there and talk about lots of things and we can share mostly mutual views about subject x/y/z etc. I also thought about a comparison I was trying to do of: friends in Singapore vs Singaporean friends in UK, there is something different but similar with those 2 groups, I can't quite explain it though.
I went cycling with Karee in the PM today and I asked her 'do I seem happier now?' and she said yes too, probably because I have no comfort zone to fall back to over there and I throw myself into a survival situation in a way that it is up to myself whether I make it or break it.
My weeks are packing up well into compact schedules of events, and I'm liking that a lot. I'm still meeting the same groups of friends but with greater frequency and that makes me feel happy inside. I'm slowly overcoming the hurdles and getting myself out of the house. Some days the isolation kicks in and sinks in deep, but mostly I've been out and about, I think that contributes to me portraying myself as a happier person in general. I try to tell myself going out is not a chore.
On the day of my return I was served literally, a whole pot of my favourite soup. We had steamboat in the evening. The following day popiah was on the table for lunch. I have eaten almost everything I've been craving in the last 3 months in less than a week since coming back. Today I had chocolate truffles for lunch, only because my December goal is to maximise all my kitchen appliances I've missed dearly. My air-fryer (made kale chips), my food processor, my cold-pressed juicer, my waffle maker. I wish I had a dehydrator and a sprializer in my collection, but for now this will suffice.
Also in the first few days I was constantly drifting in and out of sleep. The flight back was ok, it was my first flight alone, though not really because Anthony was just across the aisle from me. I finished Begin Again and watched 5 episodes of Orange is the New Black before deciding that I didn't like it at all. I tried to start on Gone Girl and I couldn't, so I slept the rest of the way instead. It upsets me that reading and writing doesn't come as easily as it used to anymore.
While we're on the topic of writing; I am becoming bitterly aware that I can't express myself as coherently as I used to. My style of writing has evolved from something I want to deem 'presentable' to an audience to a rapidly flowing stream of consciousness instead. I have become more aloof, detached and impassive. Wit isn't a priority anymore, I really just ramble and ramble and ramble. Am I getting old too soon?
A lot of times in the 3 months I was away I felt like there wasn't anywhere I wanted to be. I kept asking myself about the things I could/would do without feeling like it took a lot of effort or felt like I had to force myself to do and I couldn't answer that either. Towards the end of the term things started to get overwhelming and I blocked everyone out again. I started to get impatient, paranoid and insecure again. Again: this word sounds more painful than those ugly traits. It's so much of a vicious cycle, and each time I only end up feeling horrible/regretting. Except this time round, I didn't have people who were used to my bullish crap to sit there and cushion my whack, I learnt mostly the hard way that no one is really going to sit there and let you take a dump on them.
I am aware I have immensely selfish tendencies. I don't spare anyone of knowing my annoyance, whether it's with said person themself or with something. I don't leave time for tack, I lay the cards out fair and square. Nicely put it's being direct and honest, but really it's being blunt and brutal. The 'me' I was a couple years ago would have thought nothing wrong of this and I would retort that people deserve to know. I would have thought it would be a fair movement for everyone, I let my steam out, the other party knows and can improve. But then as I grew older I realised not everything has to be said. Some things left unsaid are heard louder instead. Not everyone accepts harshness as easily as I do. And being tactful will only bring you further beyond where you would have ever imagined. That draws the line between knowing when to keep things in/to yourself and voicing your opinion. It's an intricate line, and there's a fine balance to keep that yin yang in check. It's still something I'm working on, a lot of times I lose my cool when I'm stressed and I'm stressed almost 90% of the time, only because I like to pressure myself. That has also been something I've been trying to work on.
Tessa says I seem happier in UK. She came over yesterday and we sat on the sofa talking through the afternoon, I missed that a lot. I miss the comfort I find in our friendship because I know it's a mutual thing when we voice opinions and we take each other seriously. I'm not saying that our seriousness is what makes the friendship exclusive and that every other friendship I have is insincere, it's just the kind of trust that developed over the years and that if I tell her I feel in a certain way and asks her what she thinks, even if she confirms that opinion it doesn't feel like she does it because she feels obliged to or she's merely agreeing with me but it actually holds weight and means something. I'm beginning to appreciate the importance of having people around who have known you for ages. Most of the friends I've kept from various points of my life have known me for more than 5 years, it feels nice to be finally growing up individually and together. I'm starting to say this a lot but I am truly grateful for each small group I have. They are all completely independent of each other but in a way that is something I like about my circle of friends, yet the one thing they all have in common is that I can pull any one in there and talk about lots of things and we can share mostly mutual views about subject x/y/z etc. I also thought about a comparison I was trying to do of: friends in Singapore vs Singaporean friends in UK, there is something different but similar with those 2 groups, I can't quite explain it though.
I went cycling with Karee in the PM today and I asked her 'do I seem happier now?' and she said yes too, probably because I have no comfort zone to fall back to over there and I throw myself into a survival situation in a way that it is up to myself whether I make it or break it.
My weeks are packing up well into compact schedules of events, and I'm liking that a lot. I'm still meeting the same groups of friends but with greater frequency and that makes me feel happy inside. I'm slowly overcoming the hurdles and getting myself out of the house. Some days the isolation kicks in and sinks in deep, but mostly I've been out and about, I think that contributes to me portraying myself as a happier person in general. I try to tell myself going out is not a chore.
Last thing, I got my first case of water retention over the weekend. I'm looking at my feet now and they still look like dumplings to me.
Wednesday, November 05, 2014
Descend
Things that top my list of priorities when lectures are cancelled include making granola. Activating/sprouting my nuts and seeds here is so much quicker on the electric hob than using the broken oven back home. I opted out of my usual grain of choice — buckwheat — and used the oats from Sainsbury we got in my first week here instead. So this is a batch of maca-cinnamon granola on top of some acai soy yogurt.
The weather digits have been diving down in the past week, it is almost my every reason to skip classes and not leave the flat. I can't even be arsed to take myself to the gym up on the hills, and that says a lot.
I did manage to drag myself there on Saturday though, when it was still double-digit weather and not disgustingly cold. Views from outside the library. Autumn is really here.
The weather digits have been diving down in the past week, it is almost my every reason to skip classes and not leave the flat. I can't even be arsed to take myself to the gym up on the hills, and that says a lot.
I did manage to drag myself there on Saturday though, when it was still double-digit weather and not disgustingly cold. Views from outside the library. Autumn is really here.
And then walking back to Northfield
This was a photo Belle sent to us yesterday, when Mantell offered something decent for once
And more while I was walking back from class
Feels like my grades are dropping as quickly as the leaves are.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Hump
I have adopted a perspective where I imagine myself to be dead to calm myself down. I sit here, dead in the night and early in the morning, and most of the time I do things that don't turn out to be anything. I panic, then I find myself coming here again. It's an outlet but it's not. When I hit "publish" I go back to imagining being dead again.
It's Wednesday morning and I've been sat here for ~20mins, I did 2mins of essay reading then I came on here. The sunlight is coming in through the window in thick folds. A thing I like about this room is the window. I've got almost a full floor to ceiling window, though the bottom is frosted glass, and this year I've been lucky with the weather and the sun shines through many days. The infamous English weather has hit me in bits and pieces, but not in full-blown hail and storms yet, for that I'm thankful.
Another thing I'm happy about with this room is that it faces the forest, also thankfully not the part where there is trash (like the view from the kitchen). Some mornings I see people walking through the tracks, I think I might do that some time this week when the weather is lovely. I'm going to miss this when we move in town next year, though save the inconvenience of having to trek back home everyday.
Am about to set myself into a mode of intensively hysterical 30mins of typing for my essay before I leave the room to meet Belle. When I find a free day next week I think I'm going to walk around town alone, and might do a day in Hove when I feel like venturing out.
Last night we found a 'kind-of' solution for our housing woes, and please may the almighty Housing Gods bless us through and through. I can't imagine living without anyone else but those 3, who now know what is almost the darkest of my darkest. And who got to understand me impressively quickly. It must be the bouts of fate right? I am quite/very certain about this, and I say this with 99% confidence and great tenacity that they will vouch for me in whatever, whenever, and I will do the same.
Also a lesson I learnt this morning: never ship anything in from outside of the UK. Bloody VAT be the bane of my stomach's existence for charging me and Joy a tax on our order. Hell.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Camden Lock/London
On Saturday our train pulled into London Victoria by mid morning. I felt an instantaneous blow of "Londonness" the moment we stepped off the train, I could feel the buzz and rush just walking through the ticket gantry. We headed for the tube; us girls went off to Gloucester for Belle to drop her belongings and Anthony left us to go to ComCon.
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We had another bout of train changing before we finally arrived at Camden Town around, noon I would say.
I was determined to get myself to Inspiral, which we eventually found. Did a takeaway salad box (which turned out small, over-priced and not particularly tasty) and we shared 3 raw cakes - passionfruit cheesecake, a chocolate ganache thing and a cacao hazelnut...thing. I thought it was a way better rendition of raw desserts compared to Living Cafe back home. There was hardly a hint of coconut and that already ticks all my boxes in a raw dessert. I can only consume coconuts fresh and in whole form. Please do not put them in my raw desserts. Coconut is nono-nut. Just. No.
Guys I'm actually sitting on the floor
It felt like a short but long day. Anthony and I took the train back to Brighton and the other two stayed on. Everyone is back now, and reading week work is starting to kick in full swing. Mostly since I spent 95% of my Sunday passing time.
Autumn is officially here with the clocks having gone back an hour. I also just edited my countdown timer to my flight home, since I changed my flight to 12hrs earlier ;) Just a little over a month till I'm back to my daily soups and sunny pool side. 38 days!
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