Progressive

[morning]

Woke up
Felt terrible
Didn't want breakfast
Even though it is the only meal I do enjoy
I decided to have it anyway

Did payment for a dress

[afternoon]

That tiny pot of oatmeal and blueberries and walnuts lasted me till 5pm
Felt angry at myself for not having lunch
I hate skipping meals
Tomorrow I will cook myself some roasted pumpkin and apple soup

Felt mostly vague throughout the afternoon
Felt lost in my own brain, like my split personalities were standing at different corners, facing each other, forming a circle but nothing connecting them
A kind of murder game in the dark but in my brain

Already, I am tired of thinking about the same things/people, feeling about the same things/people
Am disgustingly fickle in my emotions
Going from one thing to the next trying to find whatever I can make meaning of
Don't particularly think I'd fancy becoming certain about these things/people
Because they say the bad always comes into greater focus than the good

I wish I lived in a book
Every flip of a page would be the flutter of my heart
Imagine the scene where the two protagonists sit in the park drink wine eat grapes do talks

I think a problem with me is
Even though we are nearing the end
I am constantly thinking about going back to before things started
Thoughts like "rewind time", "the past"
I have found that even academic validation is no longer a validation in any sense
When I received my final results slip I felt indifferent and empty
Even though I got what I wanted mostly
It felt like it wasn't enough
And I still wanted more

[post-dinner, half night]

Here in heaven

Had bittegourd and fish

Read Top Girls in bed

Now I am browsing through recipes for our Christmas dinner

Everything looks good and I can't decide which variation I want

 

Yesterday was the last day I had to go back to the hospital
We went back in the afternoon
Felt like I haven't been home in weeks
Did groceries with papa lim
Browsed at sections I haven't been to in years
Like the snacks and cookies aisle
Listlessly looked at nutritional labels of the packages
Thought maybe I'd do a grocery haul next week
I do love grocery shopping

 

Think I'd be doing more posts now
I like how writing makes feeling like poop feel productive

I don't know what this is
As I write I feel as though it will not take form, like these words have been difused into air