Trying to finish my essay on price mechanisms.
It is now Sunday and I don't want tomorrow to come. I mind nothing about the lessons and nothing about having to run around the tracks under the morning sun, but for explicit reasons I just don't think I want to take the train down 18 stations to the west and keep myself there in excruciating discomfort for some 8 hours. It is vexatious and wearisome and I don't know how long will it take before I tire out and return to the phase of dragging myself through the day, with every muscle screaming in my body with fatigue, my face expressionless and heart in a jungle of anhedonia.
It took me 2 full years here to fully comprehend that I am now at a place where making conversations is hard and I no longer have the best friends I had in school come barrelling up and knocking me over with hugs. I always get the same kind of nausea in my stomach rolling sickeningly
in noxious waves as I approach the gates everyday, maybe one day I will throw up all my anxiety.
Everything in my mind is hurtling from one stupid side to the other, I feel uneasy and I can't think. I'm not entirely sure where I lost myself. Maybe it was in the hours of classtime, lost in notes and datelines and pretending not to care. Or in between the fake conversations and too-friendly exchanges greetings and goodbyes with people whose faces I don't believe I will recall. I think I left the part of me who was trying so hard behind on the very first day of school, when I heard the bell ring in the ticking of the clock and the counting of time, waiting for the better times that never came. It was like a subdued alarm that rang every sense of the world into me.
When things happen I say I'm ok, and I force it to be true. Though conscious that the days are slipping away I know I can't wait for all this to become the distant past, somewhere I can and will not return to except in memory. Or maybe I will choose to forget. For 2 years my status quo has been 'getting used to being alone but not lonely'.
I have always feared, but maybe I never showed it enough
I want to get away from here
It's hard and I don't want to try anymore
"Patience, grasshopper," that's what the voice inside says
You're suppose to be positive this year :) Don't suffer yourself, it's unhealthy! I know the environment is really bad and sometimes I feel the exact same way you do, so you're not alone. Having a conversation with you today was good and it shall continue? Be happy and look forward to school, I'm sure then your day will be much better! See you tomorrow :)
ReplyDelete