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I have quite an absurd amount of protein (beancurd, salmon, eggs whites) fuzzyin' partyin' in my tummy right now it's crazy. I am imagining the taste of raw chicken in my mouth and I want to throw up. Later we are baking halibut fillets with spinach and walnut herbed stuffing for dinner.

(but)

Once upon a time, in 'Greaseland' now totally unrecognisable, there was a girl who adored greasy, sleazy fried food. Her idea of a good dinner was 25 fried wantons or a plate of homestyled Kentucky chicken wings and drumsticks. At 10PM supper was salted peanuts or Famous Amos cookies. Saturday's lunch was $1 coke and fries from McDs, and sometimes fried ice-cream and peanut butter waffles and roti prata with heaped tablespoons of curry/sugar.

I was that crazy disgusting food fiend.

Quite often these days as I dig into my plate during meal times I wonder if I never adopted a new diet and/or lifestyle, if I never had my lunch box with me everyday, how else would people relate to/label me as? Or maybe I would be less of a sore prick who wouldn't make any difference because I would be "normal" and eat whatever was given. I find it extremely odd that society views eating healthy as "abnormal" or "strange". #yolo aside, is it not normal to want to live better and feel better? I would recite some form of sociology theory here (considering human behaviour in relation to society's reactions) but I am no sociology student so I will continue to sit here and wonder, wonder, wonder.

It's hard telling people things about yourself, isn't it? I cannot piece together the basis of social fears, and in that sense it makes me feel like I cannot understand myself. Consider this hyphothesis — it takes death to learn how to live.

The tenacity of circumstance has very much edged its way into my life, but I take it all in stride, and look at the better place I am heading to. I look back only to remember, and to remind. If people were to ask me what do I think about, most of the time I would say death and loneliness. Still. Can't say I've been consistent about this all my 18 years but as I get older I become more of a firm believer in indulging in the beauty of solitude. Maybe it is because I want to learn who I am, and when I'm completely alone I am always hoping to grasp onto every chance to know myself better before anyone else does. I like control, I get fuzzed when I don't have control, and to know about this singularity, w/o needing to depend on someone to make my day, to hold conscious ropes of my happiness, I am someone who needs that. I need to curate my space and I need to have control.

Again this post has no direction, no docket of sorts. Just plain regurgitation of fleeting thoughts over the weekend. Will end with something I wrote in a few drafts back; 'According to scientific theory, all humans are matter — solid liquid gas — and even though most of the time I feel like I'm in a gaseous state because no one cares for once I just want for people to treat me like I am solid and matter.'