This morning while pottering around the house I came to realise I have lots of empty thoughts that I can't construct into anything near rational comprehension. The correlation between my accelerating desperation to rid my boggled mind and my mental well-being in reality is horribly negative. It feels like I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, up, upward. At this point I can't decide if I want to feel nothing/be a non-existing body. The months of break that has passed feels unbearably tiring. Sometimes I wish I could easily throw myself into my old routine, where I forget anything that happens between Mondays to Fridays and weekends would whirl pass as quickly as breakfast does.
I can't decide how bad this week has been but I think I've been roughing it out well enough to get carried over into the weekends. I wouldn't even associate any form of goodness with weekends actually, but things might start to brighten up so I'll play along I guess.
Mostly I've been occupied with my internship; I get out of the house at 8AM and run through the office doors by 830AM. I work till lunch at 1230PM and walk to the pantry to use the microwave. When I'm done eating I go as far away from my table as I can, most days I walk to Amoy or Robinson Road and turn back once I'm done with a few rounds. Some days like Wednesday were exceptions and I had lunch at Orchard instead. Back in the office by 130PM. I slave for another four hours till it's time to go home/to the hospital.
What I am afraid of is everything changing and not at the same time. There's a storm waiting outside for me, and I'm not geared up to leave the room just yet. I told Stef I wasn't sure if I was ready to leave home or Singapore yet, and she said she doesn't regret not getting to stay behind over here. I guess right now I associate home and Singapore not entirely separate per se but they are just different. I know though, if and when I do go to London that will probably change. A lot is going to change.
People come and go and walk away
And I'm not going anywhere
Am unsure re who are the people who can make me feel better when I feel bad about something now. Sometimes even when the closest people say that it'll be ok I don't know if I can trust them or trust myself to make things ok. It's strangely interesting when your opinion of people [you thought you knew] changes so much when they're not with you one-on-one, like when they're with other people in less intimate social settings and you realise how some are less willing than others to let their guards down and just remain confined to themselves/their own groups. It's odd but it's always happening.
I don't know what kind of alone I am referring to anymore when I think of solitude/loneliness. I think now I am the furthest away from myself rather than anyone else. But the kind of distance I experience is ironically something I cannot detach myself from, despite the estrangement I want. Seems like the more I let go the tighter it grips onto me. Is it the routine I am falling back into that causes this? I've forgotten what's it like to be able to get a grip on myself.
But
She says I always walk away from things. And maybe I do. I thought for a long while whether I do it consciously or not but I couldn't conclude anything definitely. I feel afraid of life and I feel afraid of living. Seems like what I really dislike is not being able to anticipate expectations or know what is about to drop at my feet. They are both tired. They are both sick. I can't make it out entirely, but they seem to not know each other anymore. I thought about this a lot when I was younger and always felt like things were on the edge. I guess as I grew older my mind became more occupied and eventually these thoughts got pushed to the back but now that I'm freeing some space up there I can feel like surfacing again. Things I don't want to think about. I admit to thinking of the worst many years ago and I was surprised even at that age I never shuddered at that thought. I distinctly remember my 10+ y/o self relishing in happiness of those possibilities because I hated it so much. Again I am surprised I was able to host such thoughts back then, I feel like over the years my capacity to do such things have disintegrated tremendously, not sure if that is unfortunate or not.
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