On the day of my return I was served literally, a whole pot of my favourite soup. We had steamboat in the evening. The following day popiah was on the table for lunch. I have eaten almost everything I've been craving in the last 3 months in less than a week since coming back. Today I had chocolate truffles for lunch, only because my December goal is to maximise all my kitchen appliances I've missed dearly. My air-fryer (made kale chips), my food processor, my cold-pressed juicer, my waffle maker. I wish I had a dehydrator and a sprializer in my collection, but for now this will suffice.
Also in the first few days I was constantly drifting in and out of sleep. The flight back was ok, it was my first flight alone, though not really because Anthony was just across the aisle from me. I finished Begin Again and watched 5 episodes of Orange is the New Black before deciding that I didn't like it at all. I tried to start on Gone Girl and I couldn't, so I slept the rest of the way instead. It upsets me that reading and writing doesn't come as easily as it used to anymore.
While we're on the topic of writing; I am becoming bitterly aware that I can't express myself as coherently as I used to. My style of writing has evolved from something I want to deem 'presentable' to an audience to a rapidly flowing stream of consciousness instead. I have become more aloof, detached and impassive. Wit isn't a priority anymore, I really just ramble and ramble and ramble. Am I getting old too soon?
A lot of times in the 3 months I was away I felt like there wasn't anywhere I wanted to be. I kept asking myself about the things I could/would do without feeling like it took a lot of effort or felt like I had to force myself to do and I couldn't answer that either. Towards the end of the term things started to get overwhelming and I blocked everyone out again. I started to get impatient, paranoid and insecure again. Again: this word sounds more painful than those ugly traits. It's so much of a vicious cycle, and each time I only end up feeling horrible/regretting. Except this time round, I didn't have people who were used to my bullish crap to sit there and cushion my whack, I learnt mostly the hard way that no one is really going to sit there and let you take a dump on them.
I am aware I have immensely selfish tendencies. I don't spare anyone of knowing my annoyance, whether it's with said person themself or with something. I don't leave time for tack, I lay the cards out fair and square. Nicely put it's being direct and honest, but really it's being blunt and brutal. The 'me' I was a couple years ago would have thought nothing wrong of this and I would retort that people deserve to know. I would have thought it would be a fair movement for everyone, I let my steam out, the other party knows and can improve. But then as I grew older I realised not everything has to be said. Some things left unsaid are heard louder instead. Not everyone accepts harshness as easily as I do. And being tactful will only bring you further beyond where you would have ever imagined. That draws the line between knowing when to keep things in/to yourself and voicing your opinion. It's an intricate line, and there's a fine balance to keep that yin yang in check. It's still something I'm working on, a lot of times I lose my cool when I'm stressed and I'm stressed almost 90% of the time, only because I like to pressure myself. That has also been something I've been trying to work on.
Tessa says I seem happier in UK. She came over yesterday and we sat on the sofa talking through the afternoon, I missed that a lot. I miss the comfort I find in our friendship because I know it's a mutual thing when we voice opinions and we take each other seriously. I'm not saying that our seriousness is what makes the friendship exclusive and that every other friendship I have is insincere, it's just the kind of trust that developed over the years and that if I tell her I feel in a certain way and asks her what she thinks, even if she confirms that opinion it doesn't feel like she does it because she feels obliged to or she's merely agreeing with me but it actually holds weight and means something. I'm beginning to appreciate the importance of having people around who have known you for ages. Most of the friends I've kept from various points of my life have known me for more than 5 years, it feels nice to be finally growing up individually and together. I'm starting to say this a lot but I am truly grateful for each small group I have. They are all completely independent of each other but in a way that is something I like about my circle of friends, yet the one thing they all have in common is that I can pull any one in there and talk about lots of things and we can share mostly mutual views about subject x/y/z etc. I also thought about a comparison I was trying to do of: friends in Singapore vs Singaporean friends in UK, there is something different but similar with those 2 groups, I can't quite explain it though.
I went cycling with Karee in the PM today and I asked her 'do I seem happier now?' and she said yes too, probably because I have no comfort zone to fall back to over there and I throw myself into a survival situation in a way that it is up to myself whether I make it or break it.
My weeks are packing up well into compact schedules of events, and I'm liking that a lot. I'm still meeting the same groups of friends but with greater frequency and that makes me feel happy inside. I'm slowly overcoming the hurdles and getting myself out of the house. Some days the isolation kicks in and sinks in deep, but mostly I've been out and about, I think that contributes to me portraying myself as a happier person in general. I try to tell myself going out is not a chore.
Last thing, I got my first case of water retention over the weekend. I'm looking at my feet now and they still look like dumplings to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment