Wednesday, July 29, 2015

I'm Running Out Of Feelings

It's true, I really am. I would like to believe I am one that invests in intangible (no)things as much I do materially. Take life in itself in such a perspective: it actually tends to play out as a carefully created portfolio of investments. The compounded experiences you get in return, however, is not always so much dependent on the beta you have chosen to sensitively be analytical of. To put things simply, what I'm trying to say is that there is a lot more considerations and turns in life that we actually make out of. I'm suffering from a splitting headache from almost sleepless nights so I will go ahead and excuse myself of legitimate coherence.

Has anyone not realised that to be happy, you actually are being vulnerable? Because you are at your least guarded when things get high high (bad Big Bang pun intended). You're in the sky, you're light-headed. But this unbearable lightness of being takes off as quickly as it comes, and we're all aware that this will soon pass. Sometimes I feel afraid to feel anymore, hence why I think I'm running out of feelings, because the death of a feeling I'd been so enticed to would cripple into nothingness, and I've had enough with emptiness. There are days I love where I am, other days I just wished I would...know. Know where I'm taking myself to. But I don't think anyone really does, on days like this.

I wish there would come a day I could watch myself through another lens and understand what is it that other people see in me, or even just simply the way I am portrayed when I come into their vision. I'm always looking outward, always observing other people. I want to watch the way that other people behave--how they speak, or carry themselves, make conversation, do the things they are passionate about, the way they love--as if I'm trying to absorb bits of them to make myself into a completed person with whatever I have gathered. Often times I feel inspired by those around me, but I never have the energy to reciprocate. When I meet people, I feel like I am vastly more interested in them than they are in me. Call it an inferior complex maybe? I have a green eye for those who can be fearless, who aren't afraid to get themselves out there doing things they love. I don't feel like I can channel myself that way. I try to share myself with those around me as much as I can, because I still strongly believe that's the least you can do to feel genuine about yourself.

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