Summertime Sadness

Living in a country of summer, the occasional chills throughout the day doesn't seem very real. It is still mostly hot so I can't quite decide how I feel about the weather now. Sometimes I visualise the heavy rain outside to be snow or hail or maybe a blizzard and then make a ridiculously small wish I could have a "seasons" wardrobe and be able to say YouTube-ish things like "I have my knits tucked into the back of my closet/my staples this season are combat boots/scarves/beanies" basically I am a sucker for fall weather and it has been 18 years of summer clothing. I can't really complain though, I need my vitamin D and I don't think I am ready to give that up for 3 long winter months. What I can't understand is why I started this post with the weather, which should be the least of my concerns right now.

The first time I went to MI was almost two years ago
A typical sunny morning
Dad drove me to orientation and we got lost and I ended up half an hour late which turned out to be otherwise because the time OGLs told us to report had a 1hr buffer period
Vividly remember muttering "what a waste of time"

When I think about time now
I no longer differentiate academic periods and breaks
Is that a good thing
I don't know

Sometimes I feel like I don't feel enough and that perhaps is the reason why most people think I am what I am
Can't be too concrete about how people feel about me
Hence
Vague

Am both more and less lonely than I was a year ago I think
Remembered being very depressed going to school last year
I hated it so bad I couldn't even talk about it
The only thing I seem most enthusiastic about are the morning walks to school and the rounds I make with Trisillia on the track when we have free breaks.
When I had a semi-breakdown in school some time back
I can't even remember how I felt then anymore

Someone close said to me "you are over thinking"
Cannot be definite about desirable/undesirable company that surrounds
Feel unsure of the people around me sometimes
Feel uncertain of myself too
Seem disabled by my inability to sustain interest in most of the people around me
Maybe I'm trying too hard
But I feel more aware of myself
Or it could just be me finally acknowledging and admitting to feeling this way

A song that I have been listening to on repeat is 'Summertime Sadness' by Lana Del Ray.
Qianying recommended this and I recommend this to everyone too
It reminds me of many things in many ways
I thought about things and realised being away from people you like seems to make you lonelier than if you were completely alone from the start
And as time passes you lose people and people lose you

The thought that makes me most ill is the thought that there is no place where I feel like myself anymore
I am sprawled on the bed typing this
Hot Saturday night date is YouTube
The closest thing to warmth on this bed is the heat from my phone from playing an hour's worth of sad-song videos
A thing I can take away from tonight is a new playlist